I Hope It's Nice Up There
by girlfromblossom
Summary: Phil's diary, of suicide, self harm, heartbreak, confession, and love.
1. Just another statistic

Dan is doing it again, hanging out with other people but always giving looks my way, to see if I'm noticing how much fun he's having without me. We used to be best mates, me and you. What happened? Well, Dan, yes I am noticing; but, as always I'm going to have to act like I don't care, because that's the way the world goes round, isn't it? Because all I seem to do is fake a smile, laugh and say I'm ok when really? I'm not. And when I sit there in class, too tired to interact, I think about how many people around me are doing exactly the same, day in and day out, until finally, they break.

Thats what happened to Dan's sister, Madi. They were inseperable, Dan always looked out for her, but he didn't see the cracks that were forming in her 'perfect'. Her flawless grades were dropping, she wore long sleeves and jeans in the heat of summer. But Dan never saw it, to him; she was perfect. But she really wasn't, she was breaking, falling deeper and deeper into the depths of her mind. The demons played with her soul until finally, she became a demon too.

That was the day Dan didn't come in to class, I was worried. We all got rounded into the school hall, with the headmaster up on the stage. She had red eyes, I noticed. But teachers didn't cry, they were part of the fakers too. They had to keep a smile on their face to stop the kids from worrying. She opened her mouth, to then close it again. I could almost see her brain working to find the right words to break the news, and then she did. 'I have gathered you all here today to bring you some news, terrible news. I am devastated to say that a girl that you all know has passed away, Madi Howell. I won't go into detail, but it was suicide.'  
She then went on to say about helplines, what a sad story it was, all the required things to say after a death, but I didn't listen, I couldn't. I needed to talk to Dan.

It turns out Dan hadn't taken it very well, he got depression, started cutting, attempted suicide himself, and that leads us to now.

He slowly broke away from me after Madi died, he told me about what he was doing to himself, but then he ran. Afraid of what I might do, he ran before I could tell him that I cut too, that I attempt suicide monthly, I wish he knew.

I am just another statistic.


	2. These pills are for you

Do you ever feel like the world is caving in on you? Like you're just fading, and nobody notices. You think you're better off dead, that you're worthless. And you think it so much that you start to believe it. That's how I felt after Dan left me, but then PJ and Chris came along.

They're a couple, I think they're perfect together but they still refuse to come out. All I know is that they help each other and they don't need anyone else to judge them and stop them. But still, they're perfect. They know about Dans cuts too, they met him on the internet or something and Dan told them, then they all realised they knew each other in real life and all conversations from then on became extremely awkward. They don't know I cut, for now they don't need to, but they know that somethings going on. They've seen my wrists, I saw them staring; but they didn't say anything. They just stared. It made me feel inhuman, but I guess cutting is, it's not what we're taught to do, so it's considered wrong.

My thoughts have been getting worse, I'm starting to hear voices, I see people that aren't there, I hear people banging on my window and doors when there's nobody there. And a sudden thought hit me, I want to die.

Dan left, PJ and Chris won't miss me. My family never notice me anyway, it all makes sense. Why haven't I done it already?

* * *

I'm at home now, writing my note. Theres one for Dan, I'll text him saying goodbye first, before I take the pills.

There's one for Chris and PJ.

There's one for my family.

There's notes for every single person that has ever made me feel inferior.

These pills are for them.

* * *

I've taken the pills now, I've texted Dan. There's nothing left to do but sleep.

I love you, Dan, I really do.

* * *

_AUTHORS NOTE; This chapter really sucks, I'll write another one tomorrow :3_


	3. I don't know what we would do

Hey Mate, It's PJ,

You've only gone and wound yourself in hospital, why Phil? Why did you do this to yourself? You're not dead, but you were so close! If Dan hadn't of found you when he did? Well I can't even bare thinking about what would have happened if he didn't

I've read over your last diary entries, Dan told me he saw it in your room when he found you, though he couldn't bare to look at it Phil. It would have killed him to see what you've been writing. Me and Chris kind of guessed that you cut (considering your permanent long sleeves and secrecy), but when we saw your arms? Well mate, the word shocked doesn't even fit our emotions. Theres thousands of cuts on your arm? And thats only on your arm! When did you become so broken? We all want to fix you so bad, we all miss you so much.

Dans turned into a recluse, he's not coming into classes, so me and Chris went to go see him. We had to let ourselves in, nobody was home but him. He was sat in his room cutting when we saw him, he needs help. We had to bandage him up, he wouldn't stop sobbing. He needs you Phil, he just won't admit it.

I hope you're out soon Phil, we're all missing you. We still can't believe you thought nobody cared, we all care so much. I don't know what Dan would have done if he lost his little sister _and_ his best mate.

See you soon, I hope,

Peej


	4. Just a little too late

It's me. I'm alive. I failed, like always. I woke up in the hospital room,white walls, white floor, everything was white. The smell was medicinal and overpowering. It took me a moment to realise why I was in this white room, at first I thought I was dead, that this was heaven; but then I remembered the overdose, why didn't it work?

I heard footsteps outside, and I tried to focus on the sound. The door swung open and Peej appeared, I wasn't expecting to seem him. His eyes lit up when he saw I was awake, I tried to force a smile but I just looked like I was in pain. He noticed, 'Phil! Are you ok? Do you want me to get a doctor or something?!' he had said to me in a panicked voice. I mumbled back an 'I'm fine, PJ.' and had gestured for him to sit in the chair beside my bed.

* * *

He talked, about school, about Chris, not even bothering to ask whether I was ok. When he stopped for a breath, I asked him why I was still alive. 'You sent a text to Dan saying goodbye,' he told me, 'he got worried, ran over to your house and called an ambulance when he found you on the floor. He thought you were dead, we all did. He found this on your floor,' Peej handed over my diary, shit. Had he read it? I'll look for clues later.

'I wish I was dead, PJ.' I confessed,

'No you don't Phil! You want to be saved, we all do. You just fell deeper, all of us care about you so much and we can't believe you didn't see that!'

A tear rolled down my cheek, he didn't understand. I do want to be dead, more than anything. The stuff I would have killed for can't even save me now, it's too late.


	5. I'll be gone soon

Its started again since I came out of hospital last week, the faking of smiles, the forced laughs, the long sleeves. Everybody thinks I'm getting better, that the hospital visit showed me how much I wanted to actually live, but really, it showed me how much I wanted to die.

I had actually started to believe that I was getting better myself, but as soon as I got into my bed every night, thoughts came flooding back. The thoughts devour my brain, it hurts to breath when it's like that, I'm safe to say that it nearly always hurts to breathe then. Whenever I'm alone in school, or walking home, or just have a spare moment, the thoughts are there, scratching away at my skull, pulling my eyelids shut and begging me to sleep, yet when I do close them, I just can't obey.

PJ and Chris have hardly left my side all week, my parents proceeded to call my overdose 'fun and games' and told me that it ruined their night out, all my pills are gone but my blades are still there, I'm not allowed on the computer, I'm not allowed alone, I'm not allowed into my head, to see what I really feel, it's all fake.

Dan has hardly looked at me all week, he's disgusted by me. I'm disgusted by me. I just want Dan to care, I want to hug him, be his best friend, play super mario together, I just want things to be the way they used to be.

_Because I'll be gone soon._

* * *

_Authors note- I'm sorry this chapter is so crappy, but I was in hospital for a suicide attempt myself, and I've had my computer taken off me, so I've written and published this off of my phone, sorry if there's any mistakes and I will try to update other fics soon, Maddie x_


	6. The rain keeps pouring

I really don't know how much longer I can take this, how much longer I can hide my scars, and lie. Lie so I don't see pain at the receiving end.

I'm getting worse, nothings making me happy. The dark clouds in my mind have started to rain, except it doesn't wash everything away and create a rainbow, it makes everything muddy. So when I try to wade through my mind, I get stuck, I slip up and I sink, deeper into the darkness.

* * *

Force a smile, fake a laugh, take a bite of your lunch and slip it in the bin before anybody sees, make conversation, get the bus, cut, sleep. That seems to be my routine now. I can't live like this, Dan hasn't come to school lately, Chris and PJ have been so held up in each other. So I sit here, in my spare time, in the corner of my room. It won't be like this for too long though, I'll soon be free.

* * *

I'm going to the train tracks tomorrow.


	7. There isn't a happy ending

I like looking at the sky, and looking at the land. It gives me an idea of the enormity that surrounds us.

* * *

I've never walked down train tracks before, I feel like I'm in a film. This time there isn't a happy ending. The sun is on its way to visit other lands and so am I.

My dad once told me that there is electricity in train tracks, and if you stand in the wrong place it will electrocute you immediately. He told me that I had to know where to stand. I wonder if he knew that his son would keep this information stored in his broken brain, yet never use it. Because his son didn't care whether he would be electrocuted or not, he just wanted to be gone.

* * *

-Phil


	8. Infinity 1 (1st ending)

Phil walks over to the middle of the tracks, sets down his diary on the side of the track, and sits in the middle. He pulls up his sleeves to reveal blistering scars covering his arms. Looking up, and tear rolls down his cheek, he will soon be free. The boy whispers his final words as the train rushes nearer and nearer.

"I love you, Mr Howell. Always have, always will. I am eternally sorry.'


	9. I hope its nice up there (1st cont)

You're gone. Dead. Not coming back. You actually left.

* * *

I've never felt so numb, Phil. It's hard to breathe without you. Everythings so quiet. Theres an empty space at your desk, everythings so empty without you. I look around and every single person has a blank stare, they're thinking about you, I know they are. They're thinking about what they should have done to save you, they didn't know you needed saving. They didn't know you didn't want to be saved.

* * *

I wish I could have seen through your smiles, I was too busy thinking about myself. I was in love with you though, I still am. Did you feel the same?

* * *

When we all got told, there wasn't a dry eye in the room. Nobody could hold back their tears. You were the boy that made everybody laugh, you had an infectious personality. You lit up the room. Nobody knew it was fake. I thought you would come shuffling into the room, look up and say 'Sorry, I'm late' but you never did. I'm still waiting for that text to ask about super mario. Just anything, but it's never going to come. You're gone.

* * *

I'm coming to be with you, same time, same place as you left. Theres just too much pain, you know? I can't bear to be without you. Broken I will be without you with me. It will always be this way, so I have to leave. It wasn't your time to go, and it isn't yet mine; but you died, and so will I.

* * *

Wherever you are, I hope it's nice up there.


	10. The Moon and The Sun (2nd ending)

**DANS POV**

'NO! Stop! Phil!'

His head darts around to look at me, his face red and patchy from crying. His face crumples even more as he sees me, and a strangled sob is let out, the cries continue whilst his body is shaking.

I look at him for a second, stood in the middle of the tracks, shaking. He looks so lost, so lonely, I know he'll be mad at me for this.

**PHILS POV**

I turn around to look for the location of the voice, and I see Dan, its blurry, but I know its him. Sobs instantly shake my body, and my heart aches even more than ever to have him.

He walks over to me, and sits down on the track.

'I'm going with you, Phil' he manages to say, his voice is hoarse.

'You can't, Dan. You know this is what I want', I speak out between sobs.

'You're what I want. You know that, right?'

'No, I didn't'

'Well I do'

'I can hear the train coming, it'll come round the bend and then, well. We will no longer exist. I can't let you die.'

'It's up to you, Phil. The time is now.'

* * *

Eugh, this was such a bad chapter, I'm so sorry. This was obviously an alternate ending. I'm really sorry I haven't updated in a long time, I've not been very well mentally. I've wanted to update so much, but I feel like when I do, it'll be really bad. I've got some good reviews, and whatever you guys review goes straight to my phone, and I can just be sat there doing nothing, and get a notification and it's a good review, and it gives me the cheesiest grin. But it also goes the other way, and thats why I've been scared, I was told to 'go to hell' in one. So, that's why I'm apologizing for a bad chapter, to let you guys know that I know, I just feel like you deserve an update. Sorry for the rant too.

Much love to all of you,

Maddie x


End file.
